TRUMP’S PARDON SALE BONANZA

Donald Trump prepares to roll out Operation Presidential Pardon, his end of presidency pardon sell-off.

IMAGE SOURCE: OFFICIAL WHITE HOUSE PHOTO BY SHEALAH CRAIGHEAD.

WASHINGTON — The big question being asked in Georgetown watering holes these days is— who will Donald Trump pardon before he exits the White House? Michael Flynn? Paul Manafort? Steve Bannon? The entire Kushner family? Mr. Trump himself? We will soon find out. Inside sources indicate that Mr. Trump is preparing to roll out Operation Presidential Pardon (heretofore code named “O.P.P.”) — an unprecedented opportunity for anyone with the clemency itch to purchase a pardon from the President.

Mr. Trump considers himself to be the quintessential salesman — steaks, board games, deodorant, menswear, mattresses, segregated housing, fake college degrees. And for the past four years, Mr. Trump has not hesitated to use his position as leader of the free world to line his and family members’ pockets with millions. Foreign officials book his hotels to gain access to advanced U.S. weaponry. Taxpayers spend millions for military officials, government employees, and secret service agents to stay at his golf resorts and purchase overpriced Trump brand bottled water. China grants Ivanka Trump trademarks for her chic rabbit fur hats and spectacularly flammable scarves in the hope of gaining more favorable terms in trade deals. So it comes as no shock that Mr. Trump is using his self proclaimed business acumen to profit off a presidential asset of he will have an endless supply until January 20 — the presidential pardon.

As disclosed by sources, Operation Presidential Pardon will be promoted on a grand scale. This should not surprise given that Mr. Trump’s modus operandi has been to flaunt his unethical (if not illegal) conduct as President. Mr. Trump’s axiom is that people are less likely to question his behavior if it’s in plain and open sight — whether it be bribing foreign governments for dirt on his political enemies, encouraging white supremacist groups to “stand by” in support of his political ambitions, or overturning democratic elections. So when it comes to Mr. Trump’s mad dash to deal off pardons before being escorted out of the Oval Office, he has chosen to go out with a Fifth Avenue like bang — a garishly marketed two month “over stacked and overstocked” pardon selloff.

Sources have spelled out the details of Operation Presidential Pardon including what Mr. Trump’s beat the inauguration clock promotional effort will look like. This will be, in Mr. Trump’s own words to his inner circle, a beautiful marketing blitz like nobody has ever seen before. The keystone of this effort will be a multimillion dollar digital and television ad campaign featuring Mr. Trump dancing to Naughty by Nature’s 1991 hit song “O.P.P.” (which, perhaps ironic to the subject of today’s report, stands for “other people’s pu**y”). This song was a favorite of Mr. Trump’s when he would frequent the Manhattan and Palm Beach club scenes with Jeffrey Epstein in the early 1990’s. The advertising expenses for O.P.P. likely will be financed by funds originally intended for COVID-19 emergency relief, but now available after Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin’s sudden cut off of that program.

Those seeking a pardon must apply and pay a non-refundable $1000 application fee made payable to the Melania Prenup Buyout super PAC newly formed by Mr. Trump. The price for pardons will be determined by a O.P.P. pricing commission overseen by Kid Rock, Kirstie Allie, Roseanne Barr, and Vladimir Putin. That commission will apply a price formula based heavily on pardon applicant income but then tweaked by the applicant’s level of desperation and despondency. Each applicant will be required to turn over three years of income tax returns to verify income and to determine the most Mr. Trump can possibly squeeze out of her or him. Unfortunately for prospective pardon purchasers, there will be no “under audit” opt out exemption available from this requirement.

As for other factors, those with pending criminal proceedings will be required to pay a 100% “up charge.” Those currently serving prison sentences will have to purchase a mandatory “get out of jail, but not for free card” on top of the base cost of the pardon — the cost of such card depending on the number of years remaining on the applicant’s prison sentence. Fortunately for some, those with non-public knowledge of Mr. Trump’s secret business and political dealings will be eligible for a 50% discount off the base pardon price (provided, of course, that they sign an NDA and agree to dispose of all documents and emails containing incriminating information about Mr. Trump).

Once all required information is submitted by a pardon seeker, the O.P.P. commission will determine the pardon price and then deliver the offer which the seeker will have seven days to accept. Cash payments will be required.

Each pardon will come framed and signed by Mr. Trump so that it can be proudly hung in the pardonee’s home or office. For an additional $100,000 fee, the pardonee will be personally given the framed pardon by Jerry Falwell Jr. and his pool boy at a Mar-a-Lago cabana ceremony, and provided a photograph of all three of them together to memorialize the special honor. Finally, the first 1000 pardonees will receive an Early Bird complimentary bumper sticker reading “PARDONED BY TRUMP — WINNING AGAIN”.

Sources familiar with O.P.P. have indicated that it was intended to be formally announced as soon as Rudy Giuliani was institutionalized and the results of the presidential election were certified. However, there does appear to be one glitch to the operation’s roll out. Mr. Trump had originally planned to create a huge website titled trumppardon.com. However, it now appears that this domain name has already been purchased by Donald Trump Jr. in order to fundraise for the anticipated premium price of his own pardon (after much soul searching, Mr. Trump decided he did not want O.P.P. marred by any allegations of nepotism — especially if it would cost him any revenue). So the O.P.P. website remains under construction and the roll out date remains undetermined.

This story is still developing.

Lawyer and aspiring screenwriter. University of Michigan (B.S. in political science, 1992) and University of Michigan Law School (1994). Bad guitarist.

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